The gossamer cottage sits quietly in the everchanging sunbeams that alternatively hide it deep in the shadows or luminate the aged porch roof and windows. It seems to disappear as you seek to see it more clearly through the forest undergrowth. Only if you have a sense of curiousity that outweighs any trepidation do you slowly, quietly approach it, hoping to be get close enough to feel the mystical energy.
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No comments on Hello
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It was all I could do to keep my eyes focused on the nest in the tree outside. But I knew that if I didn’t focus, I’d lose my self-control. He just wouldn’t stop trying to explain and I was on the verge of a complete meltdown.
“What would you do if you were in my position?” He paused and I could feel his eyes boring into the side of my head. “C’mon Jill, look at me. We’ve been through too much to end it like this.”
My hands aimlessly buried themselves in my dog’s fur over and over. If he truly looked at me, he’d see all the things I was doing to maintain control.
“Jill,” his voice breaking through my calming repetition. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I don’t mean to hurt you. I think you are wonderful.”
I heard him sigh and knew he was standing there with his arms crossed gripping his own biceps tightly. I knew his every habitual movement. I could predict his every decision. Except this one. But when was the last time Jim had truly looked at me? I don’t know if he ever had. He tended to look past me unless he was demanding something from me. I had studied him endlessly so I’d truly understand him. But, I’d clearly failed.
“I wish I could explain this to you so that you’d understand. I was just talking to her and realized that she is what I want. It felt so right. I know that if I don’t take this chance with her that I’ll regret it.”
I could feel my fingers tighten in the fur and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt my only loyal companion. I slowly pulled my hands away and clenched my fists in my lap, resuming my focus on the birds. A beautiful robin had been in that nest sitting on her eggs faithfully for weeks. The eggs must have hatched at least a week ago because the babies were popping their heads up out of the nest.
“JILLY!” My head snapped around to glare at him.
“Don’t you DARE call me that right now.” My voice was harsher than I’d imaged.
He couldn’t suppress his flinch caused by my glare.
“I have stayed faithful to you all of this time,” my anger simmered in my words. “Not once have I even considered anyone except you.”
“Jill. Please understand. I didn’t mean for any of this. We have so much in common. It just seems meant to be. I believe I’ve met my soulmate.”
“You. Said. The. Same. Things. About. Me. Last. Week.” This time his eyes never even blinked under my unwavering stare.
“I’m sorry, but I’ve made my decision. I thought you’d understand. You, of all people. You’ve always understood me.”
I looked away from him so I wouldn’t launch myself at him and claw at his face. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and stared out the window at the birds. One of the babies was teetering on the edge of the nest. Before its mamma could push it back in, the baby fell.
I jumped from my seat and stared at the baby, struggling on the grass.
“Look at me, Jill!”
I held my hand up behind me stopping him from saying anything else. For the moment.
I watched the baby bird moving helplessly on the ground, obviously broken beyond repair.
“Jill, I love her.”
My eyes never wavered from the baby. It fluttered for a moment, magnificent in its struggle, then wilted and lay still.
Just like my heart.
– – – – – – – – – – — – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Previously published on a different site – April 30, 2014
Written in response to the Speakeasy #159
Prompt: “It fluttered for a moment, magnificent in its struggle, then wilted and lay still.”
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He came into my life and never really left. A whisper, almost unintelligible, ever present. Accompanying me through life’s twists and turns with encouragement and support. A beautiful memory of wonderful times. Reminding me of how things can change so quickly.
“It’s time to let go of regret and move forward,” the voice whispers. As if the decades never existed the whisper reminds me, “you’re home.” -
For the first time, I felt safe
I felt safe that you would protect me
Protect me from the pain I had experienced
Had experienced at the hands of those who said they loved me
They loved me in ways that only caused pain
Pain from words actions physical wounds
Physical wounds could be hidden by psychological wounds
Psychological wounds festered but I felt safe
Safe enough to open up to you and trust
Trust that you wouldn’t hurt me like they did
They did horrible things and I let them
I let them continue to abuse me in various ways
Various ways that make me cry when I think too much
I think too much of the past and I get stuck being sad
Being sad had become a way of life but you changed that
You changed that by feeding my interests and my dreams
My dreams that allowed me to escape my reality
My reality became another nightmare with you
With you my guard was down and I trusted
I trusted you I felt safe and I was wrong
I was wrong. You used my trauma against me
Against me you slept wrapping your arms around me
Around me the universe changed and it was only you
Only you in my life because you demanded my time
My time was gone to focus on my own growth my passions
My passions slowly changed to your passions
Your passions your goals were the priority not me
Not me when big decision time came only you
Only you mattered I was a nice to have
To have under your control under your rules
Your rules for everything I had no say
No say in anything unless you wanted to coerce
Coerce me into doing what you wanted reliving my past trauma
My past trauma became a tool you used against me
Against me by saying you were safe and it was my decision
My decision with the implication that I couldn’t refuse
I couldn’t refuse or feared your anger or the lose of my safe space
My safe space was no longer safe but I didn’t see
I didn’t see until the environment completely changed
Changed to benefit only you and all I did was wrong
Wrong thoughts, wrong goals, wrong reactions
Reactions became harsh and cruel subtly at first
At first I overlooked and thought it was me
It was me who was always wrong or dumb
Dumb me for thinking you were a better person
A better person would never have pretended
Pretended to be someone they weren’t someone safe
Someone safe wouldn’t isolate me or deny reality
Reality that I could prove but you would deny
Deny you said that deny you did that deny your intent
Your intent was to make me submissive to you
To you I was disposable and I was a fool
A fool to have trusted you and spent so much time
Time defending you time justifying your actions
Your actions that you never took responsibility for
For you was never safe. I just wanted you to be.
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Years lost
to broken promises.
Rare trust
in anyone’s words, deeds.
And then
we met and the walls fell.
Threw myself
into the abyss that was you.
Warnings
from you, but I trusted.
Believed
in you, your brokenness.
My heart
cracked open. I waited.
“Not now,”
you said. “I cherish you,”
you said.
I chose to wait and trust.
Your deeds
never changed. Your heart did.
Promised
honesty. Always there
for me
when I needed my friend.
Waited
for you still hearing you
say, “Not
now.” And so I trusted.
Never
wavering in my faith
in you.
Then I peeked and learned what
lies you
had told me. Betraying
my trust.
Truth would have been easy
to hear.
Yet, while claiming honest
words, you
lied. Completely. My trust
shattered
once again. A month gone
and still
it hurts. I would have been
happy
for you if you had shown
respect
to me and to my heart
that I
had thrown open to you.– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Written by me on a previous blog – published January 21, 2015
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In the shadows of the evening, I miss you.
The deep, calming timbre of your voice.
The protective warmth of your arms around me.
The tender feel of your lips against mine.
I reach for you across the seemingly endless expanse of our mattress. The sheets cold against my outstretched hand that will never again feel your warmth.
My cheek wet from the tears that won’t stop; pulling your pillow into my embrace, I bury my face and inhale hoping for one last hint of you.
Sobs burst from my body and carry me to sleep.
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A tattered piece of paper found
in a wallet years ago said –
I fear one more angry word or look will shatter my soul into a million pieces.Memories of a life gone astray.
Everything I had was focused on a relationship that never became what I had dreamt of
And ultimately it ended.I held my head high and kept moving forward
Walking gingerly through the gauntlet as the axes connected with my raw emotions.
Some of the blows I could deflect. Many only gave minor bruises.
A few I outmaneuvered.
I kept moving seeing a light at the end of the torment.Without realizing, I reached a space with no more attacks.
Barely able to breathe, I lifted my face to feel the warmth of the sun
And took steps forward believing the gauntlet had ended.
I closed my eyes and trusted.A few of the wounds on my soul began to heal.
Hearing a noise, I opened my eyes just as another axe struck.
The pain forced me to my knees, but I held my breath
And kept moving forward
Understanding that if I stopped moving I’d never move again.Shattered and broken, I found myself in the clearing.
Not able to believe the blows had ended,
I looked over my soul and saw all of the fragments of me
No longer whole, but fractured, damaged, splintered.
Completely changed from what I had been.As I continued to analyze the shreds that remained,
I saw the light glistening on the pieces of my soul
It was then that I realized — I had survived.
No longer the same, but something still complete.I heard a comforting voice reminding me that
Shattered pieces make the most beautiful kaleidoscopes.– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Written by me on a previous blog – published November 6, 2013
Submitted to YeahWrite.me’s Weekend Moonshine Grid on February 14, 2014
Shared by The Poet’s Corner in April 2014